David Franklin

David Frankin, age 89, was born in Vancouver BC and raised in Victoria. His father died when he was an infant, and his mother, Jeannette, raised David and his older sister, Muriel, as a single mother. Jeannette had graduated from nursing school before he was born but her license wasn’t recognized in British Columbia so she became a dress maker and “informally” shared her nursing knowledge with others. David particularly admired the soft, gentle way she managed very difficult situations, including her ability to ask for what was needed “for the children,” providing David and his sister with food and shelter despite a very modest income of $30/month. She also provided wise counsel to help other parents care for their children’s health needs.

At an early age, David was aware that his mother wanted him to have male role models, and she pursued opportunities for him to attend a private school with male teachers. After multiple rejections, a local Catholic school accepted David for the tuition his mother could afford: $1.00 per month. While David felt the bitter disappointment of rejection before this school finally accepted him, his mother’s perseverance taught him two very important life lessons: first, don’t give up; and second, don’t take rejection personally.

David “came of age” during the Great Depression, but his mother struggled to make ends meet from his infancy. As a young child, David recalls the family owned two goats. While his mother worked as a dressmaker, David and his older sister brought the goats to empty fields around Victoria and tied them up to feed. In return, the goats provided them with milk, cream, and butter.

When asked about his greatest fear, David responded, “History repeating itself.” Raised in the Liberal Catholic Church, the local priest in his small community congregation repeatedly emphasized that fighting and war were not the way to behave, which helped shaped David’s views about war. Despite a strong desire to support his mother country of England and honor Queen Victoria, David was never drafted during WWII and considered himself a conscientious objector. This was far from a popular view in the 1940s, and many people considered him simply “messed up.” He credits his priest with supporting him through this difficult time and helping him honor the values he was raised with: “to love one another, including people with different belief systems and values.”

In 1939, David was given the opportunity to attend college through a fellowship program. As a result, he became an educator himself, first in primary school mathematics and then in sociology at the University of British Columbia. Rising above his family’s financial limitations to attend and then teach college level courses is David’s proudest accomplishment. He has both witnessed and participated in many opportunities to bring people together to work out their differences, and appreciating them.

Perhaps David’s greatest teacher (beyond his mother, who he admires more than any other single individual) was Dr. Emma Smiley, president of Victoria Truth Centre and teacher/counselor as well. The values reinforced by Mrs. Smiley have shaped David’s life, including: (1) Don’t fight; (2) Be kind to everyone, especially people with different ideas and values; (3) Be kind to animals; and (4) Don’t accentuate differences. David was not only a student of Emma Smiley’s; he ultimately coached speakers at the Center as well.

David is a life-long learner. He believes he has discovered the secret to staying vibrant within the past five years through a simple yet profound lesson: “You’re not alone.” To David, this means asking for help from the Holy Spirit; a higher power reminding him “I am here always.” Conflict has been troubling for David, but now when he finds himself in conflict with someone, even in daily matters, he asks for help and a resolution is always forthcoming. He no longer feels the need to figure it out or push for what he wants. He understands that his way is not the only way, and others may have a better solution. He now simply stands back and “allows the healing to unfold.”

Not surprisingly, David has been involved in the field of holistic health for over 20 years, working with human chakras (energy centers) and auras (energy fields). Emma Smiley was his inspiration for this work, which he still practices today.

When asked what he would change if given the opportunity to live life over again, David confidently responded, “Nothing!” Shaped by a culmination of rich life experiences, David Franklin would be not the person he is today without following the path which has unfolded for him over the past 89 years, and it continues to be a rich and rewarding life journey!

Wisconsin farm girl, redhead, WWII code breaker, and that’s only the beginning…

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Dorothy Heinemann in the home she shares with her husband, Bill (who clearly still makes her heart go pitter patter), high above Austin Creek in western Sonoma County. Born a middle child of six on a Wisconsin farm, the highlight of Dorothy’s childhood was spending time with her grandmother. A prolific writer, Dorothy shared several memoirs with me, including “Everyone Needs a Grandma,” in which she recounts, “You made each of us feel special and loved. Never did I hear you say a critical word about anyone. You were the most understanding person I ever met.” She was also proud of both the special relationship and the red hair that she shared with her Grandma, who “…would bake me special cookies and let me have her sewing scraps to make clothes for my doll.”

Dorothy is a gifted woman who clearly thrives on adventure. Her first big break was at age seventeen when she was awarded a college scholarship. She recounts that she “left home and never looked back.” Following her mother’s advice, Dorothy attended a teacher’s college, but after a short time she concluded it wasn’t the profession for her so she went to work in a Milwaukee defense plant inspecting superchargers (point of wisdom: if you don’t like what you do, don’t do it!) Then one day, like many primarily male youth of her generation, Dorothy’s life changed forever when the bony finger of an “Uncle Sam Wants YOU” poster grabbed her attention. In the blink of an eye, undeterred by the reaction she expected from her mother, Dorothy stepped into the recruiting office and signed up!

Little did Dorothy realize in July of 1944, after completing boot camp, she would be one of only four women (all redheads) to be selected among several thousand new female recruits to serve in the signal corps (responsible for military communications) and participate in “one of the greatest secrets of all history” by working as a cryptologist at Arlington Hall to help decipher the Japanese code. So secret was her mission that she maintained silence regarding her assignment “under the penalty of death” for treason until after the work was declassified in 1989. They were repeatedly reminded how important their work was to the war effort, but at the time she didn’t fully realize this and “as time went on, I almost forgot my experience. I consigned it to the remote and distant past…”

After serving ten months at Arlington Hall without leaving the base, Dorothy’s unit was granted leave to attend the funeral parade for President Franklin D. Roosevelt. As she recounts in a memoir, “the funeral procession moved slowly past the spectators, most of whom were in tears…I remember the crushing sadness…for once I recognized the unfolding of an historic event. An era had passed by, and such a one as our dead president would never come again.” And then, “…on August 6, 1945, the atomic bomb was dropped, the world changed forever, and the war was over. By the end of August I was in Dallas, Texas and another adventure loomed before me…” She met an Air Force supply sergeant by the name of William Heinemann, two years her junior, “who looked quite sharp in his uniform…”

Dorothy reports the adventure that shaped her life the most was marrying a career air force man (yes, Bill). They had two children. Their son was born just 10 months after the wedding, and daughter followed 7 ½ years later. Dorothy continued to work and pursued further education through the years. Some of her experiences included computer operations for the U.N. and working for several newspapers including two in Texas and the Marin Independent Journal after moving to California in 1959. She went on to obtain a Bachelor’s degree in management from Sonoma State University at the age of fifty-five and worked as a bookkeeper at Hastings College. Dorothy misses the writing class she used to attend in Guerneville but continues her adventures through independent writing, and both reading and sharing her works. She even has her own blog: grandmadottie.blogspot.com. Check it out!

When asked what she would change if she could live life over, Dorothy pondered the question a moment before asserting she would have waited longer before starting a family after marrying Bill. She also would have stayed home with her children when they were young rather than working. A self-proclaimed obsessive-compulsive, her advice for younger generations is to “go with the flow” of life, or borrowing from John Lennon, to “let it be.” The value Dorothy places on maintaining a good sense of humor has served her well through the years, and she credits Bill with helping her keep things in perspective (including the stove and sink she’s been known to cuss at, but that’s another story…) And her secret to a life well lived? Chocolate, of course!

Where were YOU in 1902?

Yes, it’s true. Born Rose Wyrsch, Rose Cliver entered this world in her family home on October 9, 1902. She was a middle child of thirteen, raised on a farm in the Bernal Heights neighborhood of San Francisco. Rose is the lone survivor among her siblings, has outlived one of her two children, and is the oldest known survivor of the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906.

Recalling her upbringing with amazing clarity, Rose boasts that she “wasn’t supposed to live even twelve years” because she was born a month early after her mother chased a family cow during her pregnancy. She also vividly remembers climbing the Bernal Heights hill with her father and siblings to gaze down at the burning City of San Francisco after the Great Quake.

The 1906 earthquake wasn’t as impactful on a three year old as you might expect. The World events which had the greatest impact on Rose were the World Wars: two of her brothers served in World War I and a third brother served in World War II. Her parents never talked about war or discussed politics at home, but she knew they worried about her brothers’ safety.

When you first meet a spry 107 year old, after reeling with amazement a logical first question is, “What’s the secret to living so well, so long?” Rose lived independently in San Francisco until 2008, and then with her son, Don and his wife in Santa Rosa until earlier this year, when she moved to a local residential care home. Without hesitation, Rose responded, “my Grandchildren kept me alive” (she helped raise one grandchild and one great-grandchild). After a little more digging, I’m also attributing an active lifestyle, along with never smoking or drinking, to Rose’s longevity. As for food, Rose says she’ll eat “whatever you give me!” Despite some hearing loss, at age 107 Rose can hear without aides and moves around quite well with a three-wheeled walker.

The Wyrsch’s were “strict but good people” from Switzerland, and Rose attended Catholic grammar school. She fondly remembers the “good old days” of picnics, parties, “kids to play with,” hiking, singing, and dancing. She also reminisced about her regular adventures taking the train from San Francisco to Marin County and “hiking a mountain” in Mill Valley before descending on a dance hall (Muir Woods?) She met her husband, Charles, on one of these hikes and they married two years later, in 1923. Rose admits her parents didn’t approve of their non-Catholic nuptials (Charles was Episcopalian) but they had a good life together until his death in 1985, and enjoyed traveling throughout the United States. Reflecting on her life, Rose has no regrets but does wish they kept their plans to travel to Germany with her sister.

At age 107, Rose Cliver still has an amazing amount of “get up and go,” and clearly knows who she is, what she wants, and what’s important in a life well lived!

Del Raby

Through the years, Del Raby has demonstrated an inspiring commitment to the Boy Scouts of America, which celebrates its 100^th anniversary this year, and Rotary International, a business service organization which currently spans 200 countries and promotes “Service Above Self.” Del joined the Boy Scouts as soon as he was old enough, knew he wanted to be a Boy Scout executive by age 16, served a 31 year career with the organization, and has remained an active advocate for Scouting since his retirement in 1981. On May 16, Del will be presenting an Eagle Scout badge to the grandson of a man Del presented the same badge to at age 16. The boy’s great grandfather was also an Eagle Scout; one family’s tradition Del is honored to be a part of.

Demonstrating a similar commitment to Rotary, Del has been an active member of Rotary International for 40 years. He holds an impressive 100% attendance record, served as District Governor, and has been an active member of the Santa Rosa Sunrise Rotary Club since its founding in 1987.

Now 83, Del was born in Grass Valley, CA and grew up in Chico. His parents both worked for the Salvation Army, holding weekly services in halls and preaching on street corners during the 1920s and 30s. He was married to two very talented women: Mary, a vocalist he met through scouting at age 20 who died in 1970, and Harriet, an artist he met through both Rotary and Scouting who died in 1998. He has no children.

“Scrounging” with his father for Indian artifacts, followed by the pursuit of old bottles in dumps was one of Del’s fondest memories growing up. He credits his father and these experiences with planting the seeds for his post-retirement interest in archaeology and his proudest accomplishment: While at his first “dig” in Chile’s Patagonia, Del noticed a nearby boarding school had no hot water or showers and limited cooking supplies, so he approached the Santa Rosa Sunrise Rotary board of directors with what became the club’s first international project: bringing these services to the school in Patagonia.

The single world event which has left the most lasting impression on Del was World War II. He tried to enlist in 1944 and was initially turned down but was then drafted in February, 1945. Del was training in Okinawa, Japan during the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. He recognizes and appreciates the fact that the course of his life may have been quite different if his wartime experience had been different.

Many people ponder the question “If you could live life over again, what would you do differently? Del would have “pushed” himself more within both Boy Scouts and Rotary to realize his goals. He wouldn’t want to be overly aggressive, but in retrospect sees missed opportunities to become more visible within each organization.

Del’s advice for today’s youth is to stay away from drugs, graduate from high school, pursue higher education, and plan your life around a career. He also strongly supports scouting because it builds character and leadership skills.

As for his secret to staying healthy and vibrant, Del credits the fact that he never smoked and is a light drinker: he didn’t have his first drink, a martini, until age 25. He also has many hobbies which keep his mind active, including crossword puzzles, computer word processing, collecting inkwells and Boy Scout memorabilia, extensive travel, and staying in contact with the many people he’s met through the years.

Social isolation a significant health issue

Loneliness is not just a a social issue. It is a health issue that profoundly affects the elderly. “Humans are not wired to live alone,” say researchers. - Eloise Tweeten

Katherine Seligman, Special to The Chronicle

Monday, March 2, 2009

You may worry about your waistline or pack-a-day smoking habit, but psychologists say there is a less recognized yet significant health hazard facing Americans: loneliness.

They could have more friends than ever online but, on average, Americans have fewer intimates to confide in than they did a decade ago, according to one study. Another found that 20 percent of all individuals are, at any given time, unhappy because of social isolation, according to University of Chicago psychologist John Cacioppo. And, frankly, they'd rather not talk about it.

"People come into my office and say, 'I'm depressed or obsessive.' They don't say, 'I'm lonely,' " said Jacqueline Olds, a psychiatrist who teaches at Harvard Medical School and co-authored "The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-First Century." "People are so embarrassed about being lonely that no one admits it. Loneliness is stigmatized, even though everyone feels it at one time or another."

Olds wrote the book with her husband, Dr. Richard Schwartz, because, she said, she wanted to bring loneliness "out of the closet." The two were struck by findings from the General Social Survey (conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago), showing that people reported having fewer intimate friends in 2004 than they had in 1985. When asked how many people they could confide in, the average number declined over that same time period from three to two. In 2004, almost a quarter of those surveyed said they had no one to discuss important matters with in the past six months; in 1985, only 7 percent were devoid of close confidantes.

"Loneliness has a terrible reputation in this country," Olds said. "It's a problem not just with a few people without social skills. It's not synonymous with being a loser."

Independent, busy people

Why are we growing lonelier? Olds said it's partly due to the American notion of independence that makes people not want to appear needy. They may feel alone, but they assume neighbors and friends are similarly busy and wouldn't want to be bothered.

She also points to what she calls "the cult of busyness." In an era of frantic pace and multitasking, people feel they should always be accomplishing something. They work long hours and then, in their limited spare time, they work more - catching up on e-mail, doing the laundry, going to the gym. Socializing often comes last.

But humans are not wired to live alone, researchers say. The impulse for social connection - though it is stronger in some people than others - is rooted in the basic urge to survive. The need is so great, says Cacioppo, that it is reflected in our neural wiring. Most neuroscientists agree, he said, that it was the need to process social cues that led to the expansion of the cortical mantle of the brain.

In "Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection," which he co-authored last year, he wrote, "In other words, it was the need to deal with other people that, in large part, made us who and what we are today."

Loneliness, Cacioppo explained in an interview, has more in common with hunger, thirst and pain than it does with mental illness. It signals that something is wrong and needs to be corrected.

Study of loneliness

The study of loneliness isn't new. David Riesman's "The Lonely Crowd," published in the early 1950s, raised questions about conformity and individuality following the industrial revolution. Riesman described how the growing middle class in America was increasingly populated by an emerging personality, which he called the "other-directed," a type that thrived in the corporate world. Other-directed people wanted to be well-liked, but formed superficial intimacies. They were, essentially, living alone in a crowd.

And psychologist Robert Putnam wrote in his 2000 book "Bowling Alone" about how Americans were growing more disconnected from not only family and friends but also from institutions - churches, civic groups, even bowling leagues - that used to afford community.

More recently, psychologists and other researchers have debated whether the Internet has made us lonelier. Some argue that access to online social networks helps people stay connected, particularly those who are physically isolated by disabilities or age. Others believe that having dozens of friends on social-networking Web sites like Facebook is not an alternative to real-life contact - and it creates a false sense of intimacy.

Researchers also recently have been examining the physical effects of loneliness. With the help of high-tech tools, neuroscientists now can examine how isolation affects the brain. Functional MRI's - those that allow a view of the live brain in action - show that lonely people have different neural responses to viewing positive images of other people.

Cacioppo's research has shown that lonely people have more "micro-awakenings" during sleep, leading to greater fatigue, which in turn can affect cognitive thinking. Other studies have found that people who feel lonely report more sources of stress in their lives, which can affect long-term health. Chronic stress is associated with higher risk of cardiovascular disease and immune system disorders.

How much contact?

What scientists can't tell you is exactly how much social contact you need. Most people pass through lonely phases at some point. So how can you tell if you're at risk? Psychologists have used an assessment called the UCLA Loneliness Scale, which consists of 20 questions, all dealing with perceived feelings of loneliness - from inquiries about feeling "in tune" with others to whether relationships seem meaningful or provide companionship and understanding.

People vary in how they perceive loneliness, Cacioppo said, depending on their need for connection. How a person experiences isolation is partly due to inherited temperament and partly to experience, he said. Some people are more sensitive to social isolation and therefore experience more stress from loneliness. Others may have less need for intimacy and may not suffer from having few intimate friends.

Often it's not the person who lives alone who's the loneliest. In fact, being alone is distinct from feeling lonely. Psychologists say that people with kids, partners and demanding jobs can feel isolated when they fail to heed their own needs for connection.

"Everybody thinks that socializing takes time and effort," Olds said. "But it pays off. Socializing is energizing."

Shebana Siegel, a San Francisco mother of two and director of philanthropic giving for Jewish Family and Children's Services, said she has to consciously keep in contact with friends. She uses her lunch hour to call friends and arrange meetings or walks with them.

"People are so busy and we're so busy," she said. "If you don't make the effort, you won't see your friends. It's the American way of life. I have friends from Brazil who come here and say they're so lonely."

Cacioppo's book offers a four-part plan (called EASE), although he concedes the steps are not easy. Loneliness can add to depression and decrease motivation to make connections. Cacioppo's plan includes extending yourself, making an action plan, selecting quality relationships and expecting the best from them.

He and others say that perhaps there is bit of an upside to the current economic crisis - that people will rediscover intimacy.

"People can't go out and they have to be home together," Cacioppo said. "It's nice to be able to depend on one another. If you're so wealthy that you don't have to, there is something you're missing."

How lonely are you?

These questions are among the 20 on the UCLA Loneliness Scale, the most widely used tool to measure feelings of social isolation. The scale was developed in 1978, and revised in 1996.

How often do you feel you lack companionship?

How often you do you feel that there is no one you can turn to?

How often do you feel that no one really knows you well?

How often do you feel that you have a lot in common with the people around you?

How often do you feel that there are people who really understand you?

How often do you feel that people are around you but not with you?

How often do you feel shy?

How often do you feel left out?

Getting connected

From Shakespeare to psychiatrists at Harvard Medical School, writers and researchers have considered loneliness and its implications for individuals, society and health. Here are a few of the titles:

"The Lonely Crowd: A Study of the Changing American Character," by David Riesman, Nathan Glazer and Reuel Denney (Yale University Press; $17.95 paperback)

"Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community," by Robert D. Putnam (Simon & Schuster; $16 paperback)

"Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection," by John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick (W.W. Norton & Co.; $25.95)

"The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-First Century," by Jacqueline Olds and Richard S. Schwartz (Beacon Press; $24.95)

"Loneliness as a Way of Life," by Thomas Dumm (Harvard University Press; $23.95)

Katherine Seligman is a San Francisco writer. E-mail her at datebookletters@sfchronicle.com.

What do we do with Rudy?

Sooner or later many families have a conversation that they have been avoiding for months, sometimes years. Rudy had always been described as strong and independent. A product of the depression, he was a member of that generation that had endured financial ruin, genocides and world wars with a mixture of stoicism and resolve – an inner strength that everyone looked up to. But lately things were different. Grandpa Rudy, as he was known to the youngest in the family, seemed more and more frail – not surprising for a man in his late eighties. But what really had the family concerned was his forgetfulness. Not just forgetting the occasional name, the date, or odd face, but forgetting to eat, to take his medicine, to dress himself or sometimes, even to bathe. Clearly, despite Rudy’s fierce sense of independence that defined him, he was no longer in a position to safely care for himself but what could the family do? What would the family be willing to do?

This is an all too common scenario in our aging population. Placing an elderly loved one in assisted living is never an easy decision but the deepening recession and the collapse of the housing market has exposed seniors to unprecedented risks and uncertainties that compromise more than their lifestyle and their quality of life... it compromises their safety.

Assisted living costs for elders are not insignificant; ranging from $2,000 to $8,000 per month. Typically, they have been financed by the equity in the elder’s home, either by the outright sale of the property or by the vehicle of the reverse mortgage. But things are different now.

Let’s take our narrative a little further.

The family agrees that Rudy needs to be placed in assisted living. Some careful investigation revealed that the best matched alternatives will cost around $4,000 per month, or at minimum $48,000 per year. Despite a lifetime of hard work, some financial reverses, including the recent tanking of the Dow, have left Rudy in a vulnerable financial position. His savings only amounts to a little more than fourteen months of assisted living costs. Assuming, as we all hope, that Rudy survives longer than fourteen months, he (we?) will need to dip into the equity of his home in order to fund his living expenses.

It’s then that the realization hits everyone gathered around the kitchen table… everyone except Rudy that is. Rudy’s home was valued at a little over $560,000 two years ago. Today, that same home would likely sell for about $320,000. That’s a drop of more than $240,000. The family doesn’t appear to be prepared to accept the reality that $320,000 is the value of the home and not yesterday’s $560,000. “The market will bounce back,” someone says. “Yes, this is a temporary setback,” another agrees. But on one thing there is unspoken unanimity. This is not the time to consider selling Rudy’s home. “After all,” they say, “it’s in Rudy’s best interests to wait until the time is right.” Right? But in the back of some of the minds there is that ugly fleeting notion, like a darting shadow in the corner of the mind’s eye, that the equity in Rudy’s home represents a portion of an assumed inheritance.

“No. This isn’t the time to sell. So, now what do we do with Rudy?”

The recession has many victims. Many are hidden and helpless. Many are as close to us as our own aging parents. Who speaks for them?

My Journey Begins

The personal challenges and successes I encountered while trying to navigate assisted living decisions with loved ones inspired me to provide this needed service to other elders and their families.

My family first encountered difficult care decisions after my father was hospitalized and we considered various options ranging from home modification and support services to assisted living. 

Eloise's father, Kent and Aunt Ruth.

I then became the primary care coordinator for my aunt Ruth in Tucson, Arizona after Ruth fractured her pelvis and shoulder while living independently.  I felt an initial sense of frustration and of being overwhelmed. Especially since I was faced with the challenges of physical distance, a relatively short decision making period, and no one to guide me.   Fortunately, I eventually found a placement specialist who led me through the process and served as a role model for the level of service that I now provide as Tweeten Eldercare Advisors.