A Mother's Day Interview

Mary Luttrell with her mother, Mildred Smiser Vyverberg, age 99

What a wonderful opportunity to honor mothers, young or old, on Mother's Day by spending some quality time together, giving your mother, or a mother you know, an opportunity to share the wisdom of her years (age does have its advantages). Listen to her words, but don't stop there because much is communicated in other ways. Mary Luttrell of Forestville, CA did just that on a recent trip to visit her mother, Mildred, in Florida:

On Sunday afternoon, February 13, I had an extraordinary conversation with Mom. She was in bed, drowsy, but not sleeping. She is still and small, and I sat by her bed. She would look at me with her eyes just slightly open, or just with one eye at a time, conserving her energy. We had several rounds of repeated conversations in answer to her questions of "Where am I?" and "Is my mother/Sis (her sister)/Sam (her brother)still living?" Mother has long been widely regarded for her humor, wit and commentary. I took notes as we talked. Here are some of her comments that afternoon:

"I'm glad you came to see me, but I'm afraid I'm a little wilted."

"What are you doing running around loose?"

"How long have I been dilapidated?"

"Am I sick or just temporarily slowed down?"

"How old am I? Did you say 99? Well, that's a whopper."

"How long have I been in bed? Well, that's a nuisance."

"I'm glad you have a fiancé. It's good for you to have company, someone that's interested. I just want you to be happy. You just go along and be happy. Say hello for me."

When she asked when I was going back to California, she said, "Well, I'll be gone by then. But we can't all be on the same train."

"I'm not sure I'll last much longer. We can't have everybody going on for years and years. It wouldn't work out right."

"I'll check up on you all sometime."

"We can't have everything we want all the time. You can't change things, so just enjoy what you have."

"Things don't stay the same, do they? They keep turning over and turning over. We will see what we will see."

"Is this a north-facing room? I don't think I'm going to need it anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I don't think I will have an extended life."

"I'm going to miss you, but you can't keep going on and on. Somehow I'm not extremely excited one way or the other."

"I'm glad I got to see you and hear you. It means so much more."

"I'm not sure I'll last that much longer. Thanks for coming to see me. I'll be waiting around the corner for you. I'll be looking for you one of these days."

At one point, when I said "I love you, Mom," she replied, "Well that's good; that brightens things up."

"Bye, bye, Hon. I'll see you sometime."

Thank you, Mary, for sharing your mother's 99 years of hard-earned wisdom with our readers. Happy Mother's Day, Mildred!

An Interview with Bob Gimlin

What’s your definition of success? After reading his memoirs and completing our interview, I consider Bob Gimlin of Oakmont an American success story. I also believe Bob’s success can be attributed to much more than “being in the right place at the right time,” as he first proposed. A humble man, it took persistence to convince Bob that his life experiences were worth sharing with Upbeat Times readers. In Bob’s stories, I witnessed the unfolding of a deeply rewarding life that encompasses much more than material wealth.

Born in Chicago in 1921 to a friendly, easygoing father and a conscientious mother who was a real “go-getter,” Bob credits his mother with opening the first and perhaps most significant door of opportunity for him: a college education. With her support and encouragement, Bob attended Purdue University where he met Jane Haltom, his future wife. They were engaged before Bob enlisted in the US Navy in 1941 while still completing his engineering studies, and married before he was ordered for active duty following the attack on Pearl Harbor. Bob returned home from the Navy just in time to witness the birth of his second child, Hal (preceded by Gail), and was given the opportunity to work in, and potentially take over, his father-in-law’s business. However, after a brief period of readjustment to civilian life, he walked away from that opportunity to chart his own course. Opportunity after opportunity, Bob ultimately became president and CEO of Abitbi-Price, the world’s largest newsprint producer, until his retirement in 1985.

To Bob, the most important measuring sticks of success in life are based on the success of your relationships: family first and foremost, followed by personal and business relationships. Bob believes it’s also important to be happy with oneself. While the right work/life balance can be elusive, and today’s standards are certainly different from the standards during his work career, Bob seemed to find the right balance for himself and his family. He is also very proud of his extended family members and their work and life pursuits, even if their work adventures haven’t always been financially successful. There’s one more subtle but telling measure of Bob’s success: he still cherishes meeting his “girlfriend” (Jane) out on the patio at 4:27 each afternoon to share the day’s happenings amid their beautiful orchid garden after 68 years of marriage!

Perhaps the most compelling explanation for Bob Gimlin’s success in life is his attitude toward both people and work. He doesn’t know anyone who dislikes him, and also couldn’t think of a single person he’s ever met who he dislikes. I believe him! He seems to have a gift for seeing the unique positive qualities in every human being he’s met. A compelling example was when he described his interactions with labor unions in both the U.S. (where the company had the upper hand) and Canada (where unions had the upper hand). Over time, he learned to appreciate the challenges of “both sides of the coin,” and despite some difficult union negotiations in Canada, he became “very friendly” with the union boss.

With regard to work, Bob also confidently stated that he enjoyed every job he ever had, and his jobs were “never work” to him. He clearly loves to learn, and as a former HR director I know how infectious a good attitude can be in a workplace (and conversely, how poisonous a bad one can be). Beyond being in the right place at the right time, I have no doubt Bob Gimlin was both well prepared to take on new responsibilities and eager to do so when job and promotion opportunities became available. The lessons he learned growing up during the Depression, and inspiration he received from his mother to work hard, “be considerate of other people,” and follow the Golden Rule, also contributed to Bob’s drive and ultimate success in life.

Thank you, Bob, for sharing your success and wisdom with readers!

Holiday Memories....

With the holidays upon us, I sought inspiration from elders by asking them to share favorite holiday memories for my final 2010 column. So I set off to the Santa Rosa Senior Center to collect vignettes from a few willing subjects.

Quite frankly, I was humbled by some of the memories shared below, because they speak as much about the strength of the human spirit as they do about holiday spirit. The stories are not uniformly 'upbeat' because the memories were not. However, to me the challenges represent powerful statements about what the "Greatest Generation" has experienced and endured through the past century, which is worthy of celebration. It also reminds me how lucky I am to have been raised a Baby Boomer, a generation which has benefited tremendously from the blood, sweat and tears of the generations preceding my own.

Addie's fondest and most vivid holiday memory was in 1936 at age six. That year, all the girls in her Austin, Texas orphanage received Shirley Temple dolls and she absolutely cherished hers. She claims "they spoiled us."

Dee fondly remembers her Irish Grandmother in El Reno, Oklahoma, who would take down her long, lush white hair and act like a bear. She also remembers not having indoor plumbing and being afraid to go outside at night to use the outhouse...especially during a blizzard!

Raised in Manchester, England, Judy remembers spending Christmas 1940 in an air raid shelter in Manchester after her first year of military service. During the day, they would come out to survey the fires and devastation left by the German air raids, and recalled when her sister ran out of a shelter despite the protection it offered because she feared a nearby rat more than the bombing!

Prudence, who was raised in Shanghai, China, thought of Chinese New Year when I asked about her holiday memories. She loved to play with dice, and her family would visit ancestral temples on this special day.

Ralph, who served in the 41st Infantry Division during WWII, will never forget his holiday memories in Hiro, Japan after the 1945 atomic bombing of Hiroshima where he witnessed human starvation firsthand; a stark reminder of the casualties of war.

Bea loved the smell of the freshly cut Christmas tree her father would find in the woods near her home in Stuttgart, Arkansas, and the simple joy of stringing it with popcorn, tinsel and lights. When the snow came, they always built a snowman with nose and eyes made out of mud!

Raised in Sydney Australia, Liz remembers celebrating hot and humid Christmas days there. Despite the weather, her family always had a traditional British Christmas lunch, complete with Plum Pudding and brandy sauce. They were 'incapacitated' for much of the afternoon, but managed to reach the beach by late afternoon. Then, on December 26 (Boxing Day), friends would converge at their house by Sydney Harbor to watch the annual Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race.

Joe, who was raised in Alabama, recalled his 7 year old brother's reaction when he didn't receive the present he expected for Christmas, declaring "I hate Santa Claus" before marching back to bed. Joe never did find out what his brother was expecting that he didn't get! (Maybe he even kept it a secret from Santa...?)

During the winter months, Miriam enjoyed riding her wooden sled with metal glides from the top of the hill in her home town of Salem, Massachusetts. When the pond they used for ice skating froze over, they'd build a fire and sit on logs nearby to stay warm between spins.

In closing, I'd like to celebrate and give thanks to the wise elder who has helped shape my life: my father, Kent Tweeten, who celebrates his 95th birthday on December 17 in Madison, Wisconsin. Happy Birthday, Dad!

May you experience the simple joys this holiday season has to offer.

“There but for the grace of God go I.”

Mert Preston, who will turn 85 this December, was raised by his mother, Henrietta, and grandparents in the farming community of Visalia, CA. His grandfather was a businessman during Mert’s childhood, and became a farmer after the stock market crash so he could put food on the table. His mother also had good business sense, and eventually opened a successful corset & lingerie shop in Visalia. Having devoted her life to raising and supporting her two children and her parents until their late 80s, Mert fondly remembers her “lusting for a T-Bird,” and felt his mother deserved this indulgence, but she resisted the temptation because she wanted to save money to pass on to her children. Unfortunately, she died of cancer shortly thereafter at the age of 58, and her dream never became a reality.

Henrietta was a powerful role model for Mert. She never spoke poorly of anyone, including his father who abandoned the family when Mert and his sister were young children. He vividly remembers his grammar school days when the local sheriff was arrested for drunk driving. In his small town of Visalia this news was quite a scandal, but his mother’s response was, “There but for the grace of God go I.” The lesson? Our fate is not entirely in our own hands, and another’s misfortune could very well have been your own! Personally, it reminds me to guard against pre-judging others and their human foibles. Henrietta also left Mort with the gift of being able to listen to all sides of an argument and “giving people a lot of leeway to be themselves.”

Reflecting on his life, Mort remembers the Golden Rule, and believes and practices “you get back what you put out.” He was a self-described “sissy” as a kid, who was underweight and nonathletic. In retrospect he ponders the role this played in his becoming “a gentle guy.”

After completing high school, Mert served in Germany during WWII (1944-1946). He started in artillery, but after D-Day he worked in a clerical capacity in medical aid stations and became responsible for running an aid station within a few short months. This was his first of many experiences stepping into a leadership role.

When Mert returned home after the War, he was expected to complete his training and become the doctor in the family, but after taking a biology class at the local junior college he soon discovered he was destined for experiential vs classroom learning and a career in business. Doors began to open, starting with the opportunity to run a car parts department for family friends in San Rafael. This experience quickly led to others; first as a buyer for a parts store in Stockton and then in Fresno. He fondly remembers the business owners/teachers he had along the way, who ultimately helped him gain the confidence he needed to open his own store, Preston Automotive Center, which he operated from 1959 until 1980 when he sold the business.

As Mert achieved the American Dream of a successful business, marriage, four children, and mortgage-free home by the age of 49, he suddenly became “terribly depressed” to the point where he had suicidal thoughts and “couldn’t see any way out.” He was raised in a very private family, and men didn’t talk about their feelings to anyone. But when he saw an ad about couple’s therapy, he brought it home and encouraged his wife to attend sessions together.

The year was 1980 and Mert’s life was about to undergo a profound change. He started private counseling sessions and it wasn’t long before the counselor put a name to the struggle he faced: he was homosexual. To Mert’s amazement, while he saw disaster lurking, the counselor repeatedly responded, “And what’s the problem?”

Through counseling, Mert was able to come to terms with this truth, and confided it to his wife. He prepared himself for their discussion with the book, “Loving Someone Gay,” by Don Clark, which he later also shared with his four adult children. Again to his amazement, both Mert’s wife, Ann, and his children accepted him for who he was without major upheaval. For the first time in his life he was living life on his own terms, not someone else’s. Mert and Ann never legally separated, but he did eventually move out of their shared home. He felt particularly blessed that his children accepted him and he was able to maintain a good friendship with his wife until she died of cancer six years later. The one hole in his life that remains is love. “The kind of love that grows over time, with a life partner you fall in love with and share your life with.” With that said, he has no regrets, because he wouldn’t be the person he is today without the experiences he has endured and the children he and Ann raised to adulthood.

Even before his life view dramatically changed both at work and at home, subtle changes were underway which called Mert to a life of service and leadership. This calling ultimately led Mert to his personal mission “Encouraging men to look at the way they lead their lives and be willing to explore change and stimulate their own personal growth.” Mert’s call to service began at Petaluma People Services Center, where he served on the Board of Directors from 1978-1982. He went on to co-found a men’s support group in Sonoma County, MEN: Men Evolving Non-violently. He was also a charter board member of Sonoma County AIDS Foundation, where he served through 1995. One of his proudest achievements was his work with the AIDs Foundation, because it opened him up to life. He was particularly honored when the AIDS Foundation established the Mert Preston Award to honor outstanding volunteer service.

Raised Catholic, Mert still considers himself Catholic and enjoys mass, although he struggles with the church’s position regarding homosexuality. When asked what he’d like to share with today’s youth, Mert borrowed a quote from the Book of Micah (6:8) in this simple yet profound statement:

“To act justly, to love tenderly, and to walk humbly with your God.”

Regardless of your belief system, to Mert the universal message is a simple one. “It is incumbent on each of us to be a decent person.” As I concluded our interview and glanced around Mert’s living room, I couldn’t help but notice the books prominently displayed on his coffee table which speak volumes about who Mert Preston is and what he believes: “Elders on Love,” by Lakritz Knoblauch and “When we were Colored, a Mother’s Story,” by Eva Rutland.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Mert!

ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING…

According to Lynn McClintock, he “shouldn’t be here.” Born prematurely on November 29, 1918, Lynn weighed in at about 2 ½ pounds and has maintained his lean physique ever since. His mother reportedly brought him home “in a shoe box” and he slept “in a dresser drawer.” Now almost 92, Lynn’s positive attitude and commitment to cycling has helped him stay trim and healthy. He used to ride his bicycle 6,000+ miles per year, but now is averaging under 5,000 miles per year with his son and two other riding buddies, or 80-100 miles per week (!), not to mention occasional rides with other friends from Sonoma County and elsewhere. Lynn has downsized from owning five bikes to ‘just’ two road bikes at this time: a steel frame Waterford, and a carbon fiber Trek Madone. You gear-heads out there will know what that means; for the rest of us, suffice it to say they’re pretty impressive bikes!

Lynn has been legally blind in his right eye for about fifteen years, but that hasn’t affected either his riding ability or his spirit. He moved to Santa Rosa’s Oakmont Village senior community with his wife, Lorraine (“Raine”) in 1981 and has only missed “3 or 4” of the annual Wine Country Century rides hosted by the Santa Rosa Cycling Club throughout this 30 year span, despite moving to Woodland several years ago to be closer to his son. And yes, he’s ridden the full 100 mile century each year.

Lynn’s attitude about life and the ease with which he has climbed the hills and mountains along the road are truly inspiring. Born and raised in Southern California, he studied animal husbandry at Cal Poly and spent several years on his uncle’s cattle ranch preparing to become a cattle rancher himself, but health issues prevented him from pursuing this physically demanding vocation. So he entered a business college and worked for Pfizer, the world’s largest research-based pharmaceuticals firm, in veterinary medicines and supplements. He traveled extensively for work, and spent many lonely nights away from home. Then in June of 1969, Lynn happened to notice six+ cyclists in a pace-line formation near his home in Arcadia, and told Raine that he thought it ‘looked fun.’ At her urging, Lynn bought his first bicycle since his paperboy days, and soon started bringing his bike on business trips. He started riding two to three hours at the end of the work day to pass the time away from home…and a forty+ year exercise habit was born!

Lynn learned a thing or two from his father, who met his own fate re: cattle ranching when he bought a head of cattle to start a cattle ranch: the business was “wiped out” when they discovered the cattle had hoof and mouth disease. Trudging on, he developed a retail meat trade in supermarkets throughout Southern California and became quite successful. Success had its own price tag, however, as the family moved almost annually during Lynn’s formative years as his father was transferred from one store to another.

You’ll understand the meaning of true love when you hear Lynn speak about his wife of 69 years, Raine, who passed away on July 4 of this year. They met in a most unusual way: via his sister’s ex-boyfriend. As the story goes, Lynn had grown fond of this young man, and was in Alaska hoping to land a canning job when they split up. Hearing the news upon his return to California, Lynn decided to visit the young man’s family home and extend his condolences regarding the breakup. When a young woman opened the door, “that guy with an arrow” pierced Lynn’s heart. Yes, it was the young man’s sister, and love at first sight which continued throughout Lynn and Raine’s “special” marriage. She lives on in the memories and carefully placed mementos throughout their home in Woodland, including the first birthday card Lynn gave her that still sits on the bedroom dresser; or the jumbo Mother’s Day card from their son, prominently displayed in the living room.

Lynn’s tips for living a long, healthy life include exercise; watching what you eat; and a good attitude. Despite his own health challenges from infancy on, this philosophy has certainly worked for Lynn, as he currently takes no medications; “not even an aspirin”. His advice for today’s youth: “Don’t be influenced by what you think others think you should do, and don’t be afraid to do something different. You can do anything if you’re motivated and have a good attitude.” And for those of you over fifty who are considering cycling for exercise? Lynn says, “if you cycled as a kid and like exercise, you can’t beat cycling now because you use everything with no jarring”. You also get to enjoy the landscape and wildlife from a unique vantage point.

When asked what his own future will hold, Lynn quipped that he’s “signed on for ten more years,” at least as far as cycling is concerned! So be sure to look for him at the 2020 Wine Country Century…

Marion Almeraz

When I interviewed Marion Almeraz for this column, she didn’t understand “what’s the big deal” about her life other than the fact that she’s still independent and active at age 99. Marion’s friend Claudia, who referred her to me, felt otherwise.

Born Marion Reese in Detroit, MI on September 3, 1911, Marion’s family participated in the post-WWI Upper Midwest migration to the Golden State. Her fondest lifetime memory is of the family trip west over a 3+ month period in 1920, driving a 1914 Ford Touring Car with a canvas top and “Isinglass” windows (made from a form of mica) and camping along the way.

Marion’s father was a sheet metal worker in Detroit, but when WWI ended it was difficult to find the coal needed to fuel their family furnace the following winter. After suffering through temperatures dropping to 20 degrees below zero during the winter of 1919-1920, her father declared he was “never going to spend another winter in that Godforsaken country!” Thanks to her father’s love of reading and knowledge about world affairs, he knew the family’s future was destined for the Golden State of California and they arrived in the Central Valley on Marion’s 9^th birthday.

During the Great Depression, Marion recalled that her parents and two older siblings stood in food lines. Her father found odd jobs and her older brother ultimately worked for the phone company. In Marion’s opinion, the most significant World event in her lifetime was when Teddy Roosevelt was elected and established the Social Security system, because this system “has kept this country from being in even worse shape today. Before Social Security, when people lost their jobs they went to the Poor House and had no security whatsoever.” Marion has always been very interested in democratic politics, and her work included being secretary to the President of the Democratic National Committee in Santa Rosa.

Marion moved to Santa Rosa with her husband in 1941 to be near her sister. He was in the sign business, but materials weren’t easily accessible as WWII approached so he found work painting buildings for the air force and in 1943 they bought the house Marion still occupies today. Marion proudly raised two children in that home, and boasts about her three grandchildren who “are all college graduates.”

A dominating theme in Marion’s life stems from her love of animals. She received her first dog at age six, raised Irish Setters and Poodles, and had a poodle grooming parlor for 30 years on her property in Santa Rosa. In 1949 Marion helped start the first dog obedience class in Santa Rosa, and also established the first AKC dog show at the Sonoma County Fairgrounds. Today, she owns two cats, Dexter (Maine Coon) and Raja (Siamese).

Despite a small physical setback earlier this year when she fell boarding the bus to a local casino (an outing she enjoys weekly), Marion remains incredibly active at age 99. She plays bridge 3-4 times per week at the Santa Rosa Senior Center, and loves to dance at every opportunity. She also enjoys crossword puzzles and chauffeurs her much younger friend, Claudia, around town, boasting a 67 year accident and ticket-free driving record. Her current license expires in three years (age 102), and Marion fully intends to keep driving herself and others as long as she is able!

Marion credits her long life and good health to being “lucky, I guess!” She claims to eat and drink whatever she wants, but doesn’t smoke and religiously eats half a grapefruit every day. When asked what advice she’d like to share with today’s youth, her knee-jerk response was to say “I’m glad I’m not raising children now,” and then, “establish a goal and stick to it.” She also wishes young people would write and appreciate “good music” again! Me, too, but I do recall my own parents’ reaction to Rock ‘n Roll…

David Franklin

David Frankin, age 89, was born in Vancouver BC and raised in Victoria. His father died when he was an infant, and his mother, Jeannette, raised David and his older sister, Muriel, as a single mother. Jeannette had graduated from nursing school before he was born but her license wasn’t recognized in British Columbia so she became a dress maker and “informally” shared her nursing knowledge with others. David particularly admired the soft, gentle way she managed very difficult situations, including her ability to ask for what was needed “for the children,” providing David and his sister with food and shelter despite a very modest income of $30/month. She also provided wise counsel to help other parents care for their children’s health needs.

At an early age, David was aware that his mother wanted him to have male role models, and she pursued opportunities for him to attend a private school with male teachers. After multiple rejections, a local Catholic school accepted David for the tuition his mother could afford: $1.00 per month. While David felt the bitter disappointment of rejection before this school finally accepted him, his mother’s perseverance taught him two very important life lessons: first, don’t give up; and second, don’t take rejection personally.

David “came of age” during the Great Depression, but his mother struggled to make ends meet from his infancy. As a young child, David recalls the family owned two goats. While his mother worked as a dressmaker, David and his older sister brought the goats to empty fields around Victoria and tied them up to feed. In return, the goats provided them with milk, cream, and butter.

When asked about his greatest fear, David responded, “History repeating itself.” Raised in the Liberal Catholic Church, the local priest in his small community congregation repeatedly emphasized that fighting and war were not the way to behave, which helped shaped David’s views about war. Despite a strong desire to support his mother country of England and honor Queen Victoria, David was never drafted during WWII and considered himself a conscientious objector. This was far from a popular view in the 1940s, and many people considered him simply “messed up.” He credits his priest with supporting him through this difficult time and helping him honor the values he was raised with: “to love one another, including people with different belief systems and values.”

In 1939, David was given the opportunity to attend college through a fellowship program. As a result, he became an educator himself, first in primary school mathematics and then in sociology at the University of British Columbia. Rising above his family’s financial limitations to attend and then teach college level courses is David’s proudest accomplishment. He has both witnessed and participated in many opportunities to bring people together to work out their differences, and appreciating them.

Perhaps David’s greatest teacher (beyond his mother, who he admires more than any other single individual) was Dr. Emma Smiley, president of Victoria Truth Centre and teacher/counselor as well. The values reinforced by Mrs. Smiley have shaped David’s life, including: (1) Don’t fight; (2) Be kind to everyone, especially people with different ideas and values; (3) Be kind to animals; and (4) Don’t accentuate differences. David was not only a student of Emma Smiley’s; he ultimately coached speakers at the Center as well.

David is a life-long learner. He believes he has discovered the secret to staying vibrant within the past five years through a simple yet profound lesson: “You’re not alone.” To David, this means asking for help from the Holy Spirit; a higher power reminding him “I am here always.” Conflict has been troubling for David, but now when he finds himself in conflict with someone, even in daily matters, he asks for help and a resolution is always forthcoming. He no longer feels the need to figure it out or push for what he wants. He understands that his way is not the only way, and others may have a better solution. He now simply stands back and “allows the healing to unfold.”

Not surprisingly, David has been involved in the field of holistic health for over 20 years, working with human chakras (energy centers) and auras (energy fields). Emma Smiley was his inspiration for this work, which he still practices today.

When asked what he would change if given the opportunity to live life over again, David confidently responded, “Nothing!” Shaped by a culmination of rich life experiences, David Franklin would be not the person he is today without following the path which has unfolded for him over the past 89 years, and it continues to be a rich and rewarding life journey!